When we choose to part, I will keep silent. I will squeeze my screams in my chest and leave them alone there. Until a sad tune touches my heart and pours them all out – in my pillow.
When we have to part, I will keep seeing my friends, the same day – the same Friday. I will keep smiling and singing and posting silly images on Instagram. I will smile to the waiter, dance like a crazy – and come home. Like always. But something will not be the same. Nothing will be the same.
When I am without you, I will keep living. And you will keep living, too. You will go out, post silly selfies on Facebook and go to work as always. Nothing will change. But something will be gone. For good.
When my world lacks you, I will cry a bit more, miss a lot more and dream a lot more. I will dream about us – give in to illusions – for a while – but then – dress up, put the usual make-up on, smile in the mirror and go out.
When I decide to quit, I will keep dating. Even though it will be only one-time-no-sex-only-chat dates. But I will keep searching. I will not give up – for the sake of the beauty of love, for my sake. For your sake. Why? You’ll feel my lightness rather than drag the burden of my love. And you’ll be happier, I am sure.
When we feel we must part, I will hide you from my Facebook, I will bite my lips when they long for a kiss, I will tie my fingers – when they strive to type you, I will break my phone – when it lures me to a call. The pillow will suffer from more crying and beating and laptop will be blowing up with sad songs. But I will put my makeup on, dress up, go out, smile and live, walk a bit more, walk kilometers despite the heat and rain to walk away from the pain and memories. I will hide you until your presence doesn’t touch my heart the way it wants to commit a suicide.
When I feel lonely without you, I will cry on mom’s shoulder like a baby, keep her in the dark, let my loved ones suffer with me, share my pain and tortures. I will keep the secret – but I will give away my pain. It’s unbearable to live with that pain. Although I will keep going to work, smiling to colleagues, smiling to friends, smiling to you – from my Facebook posts. I will keep being desirable to other men – especially in that blue dress – but hating myself for that.
When we drift apart, there will be silence. Emptiness. Obscurity. Uncertainty. Hopelessness. Despair. And all these together multiplied by loneliness. But I will keep dancing. And believing that this all shall pass, too. The lightness will come – despite the tons of tar boiling in my heart. The love will gradually sip through the holes of my heart, the scars will group to form a tatoo and I will be proudly wearing them on my neck.
When we choose to part, I will cry a lot more, I will cry until the pain subdues, I will scream in the open air, I will beat the pillow – I will do all the standard things that therapists suggest. I will try them all and invent my own methods. I will write, write, write until I have no energy to stay awake. I will do everything until I start loving life – without you.
And over time, when the pain subdues I will come back to life – the life I used to live without you, before you.
And, I will keep going out, smiling to friends, smiling to people and – smiling to myself. Because I don’ t want to suffer anymore. Because there comes a point that suffering no longer exists – as you don’t exist. You don’t feel how the life is passing by. You just notice it going away. You notice people who live, laugh, love and grow – but you’re too consumed by your pain to engage in it. But you still dress up, put your make-up on, dress up a little bit more, go out – push yourself out of your prison of a room – and live. Or, fake living – until you make it.