I used to be a master of drafting and acting on repeated scenarios. Amorous ones. With clear understanding of their being not-happily-ended yet untamed desire to go for yet another experience, fall into another gut of emotional turmoil. With outright stubbornness and outrageous frivolousness towards the results. With a speed of the fastest sprinter did I find myself in subsequent chains of doomed affairs.
They all had almost the same introduction: innocent flirt on the internet or over a cup of coffee. Then it all swallowed my emotional aura – with passion, turmoil, guilt, sweet anticipation of yet another secret encounter. The climax was almost the same: me asking them tough questions and them – distancing themselves more and more. And the ending felt me devastated, plus, as in case of the last year, with acute symptoms of panic attacks and anxiety.
Yes, secret. This is the most luring part, isn’t it? And the saddest one, too. I am not going to go into the details of each relationship – this I spared for my “Memoirs for My Granddaughter: Lessons to be Learned”. I’d like to tell you about the victory: you’ve already had enough of ‘depression’ chunks in my narratives.
…In the middle of my third repeated scenario, I just couldn’t bear any more. I was overcome with utmost fatigue – emotional, mental and spiritual. The script didn’t seem to be changing in a positive way this time, too. I again ignored a few signals that it wasn’t going to work. Moreover, it wasn’t already bringing joy and fulfillment in the short run, either. So, what was the benefit for me? Why should have I always felt that killing feeling of constraint, rejection and anxiety?
I was tired of expecting for illusions and ghosts: there was no two-way train bringing me to the station of Union this time, either. I felt sick of this ailment. Yes, unreciprocated or doomed feelings are a malady – one should get rid of it as soon as possible until it starts defining his/her being, every single step, every action.
So I quit. I just ran away from the station. Far far away. Leaving a note to him: “Sorry, I am tired. I lack freedom and space. Don’t contact me any longer. Wish you well. Siri.”.
I never looked back. I just moved on. The lesson was learnt this time. I chose my psychological balance and health over crumbs of romance I was trying to entertain myself with, a romance which in fact was a phantom with beautiful silhouettes.
There is no such thing as easy breakup. Every breakup hurts – even if it was a short-lived affair. But you should always be sure: when the wound is recovered you will feel as liberated and revived as ever. You will be empowered from within, as this is the greatest victory one can have: victory over the ghosts of past and illusions of the present. Now you have all the rights to feel proud of yourself.
P.S. Curtain: the chain of repeated scenarios was broken. I am not waiting for another train. Not yet. I chose to be alone for some time. At least, I won’t actively seek a partner. But whenever I again choose to travel, my next destination will be the Land of Reciprocated Feelings…