When we choose to part – (or, when in fact YOU make me leave you) – there’ll be a lot of howling. Beating pillows. In front of you. Without any fear of being regarded as a manipulative bitch. Cause I am not and haven’t been one, you know it well enough. I just can’t play a tough girl, I am tired. I want to be authentic. It’s scary, isn’t it? But I am not afraid of being vulnerable. Unlike you.
When I’m forced to leave you – because of all the wrong you did to my emotions – there will be a period of fury and hatred. The total opposite of the tenderness I once had toward you. No, there isn’t one step from love to hatred. There is NO step. Love and hatred are intertwined, there’s not even a delicate borderline. The hatred that I have now is disguised pride and self-love. Yes, I confess – I hate you.
When I leave your apartment, I will feel the ultimate relief. And gratitude for the pain you inflicted. Why? Cause it’ll be much easier for me to become happy now. I killed the last ghost of my past love toward you. Yes, this was the last most persistent phantom. But it wasn’t invincible, either.
When we part forever – this time – there will be an abyss of melancholy, hours of scribbling down on my papers like crazy, splashing out the bitterness on all the possible sheets of notebooks. You’re a lucky bastard- I have my civilised ways of dealing with that rather than pouring all the oaths I know on your face. No, I will stick to the classy.
When you choose to cross a line between us – I’ll be shocked. Oh, you knew I had that frail ghost of hope kept inside me. Hope is not killed. It DOES become the killer of your present, making you stick to toxicity despite all the signals. I had the hope that you are capable of being honest. Thanks for killing the hope and cleaning my environment at last.
When we choose to part – unlike the previous episode – I won’t keep silent. I will convey all the shades of my pain in all possible ways. I will scream with it, weep, cry a lot more, intimidate you with the intensity of my emotions. And leave you with your conclusions…If there is some human touch left in you, of course.
When I leave you the only reassuring sensation will be the faith in justice. Everything happens just. Cause lying to the one who’s been most faithful, tender, loyal and supportive, who’s always been honest and transparent isn’t left unresponded. This is the only thing I’m sure of now. (Don’t worry, vendetta is not my tool. I rely on the fairness of life processes).
When I choose to delete you from my life – I will choose temporary sadness and emptiness over constant self-deceit and toxicity. And this is the only way towards true love. I still believe in it despite everything.
Siri's Room 