A Parting Sketch

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When we choose to part, I will keep silent. I will squeeze my screams in my chest and leave them alone there. Until a sad tune touches my heart and pours them all out – in my pillow.

When we have to part, I will keep seeing my friends, the same day – the same Friday. I will keep smiling and singing and posting silly images on Instagram. I will smile to the waiter, dance like a crazy – and come home. Like always. But something will not be the same. Nothing will be the same.

When I am without you, I will keep living. And you will keep living, too. You will go out, post silly selfies on Facebook and go to work as always. Nothing will change. But something will be gone. For good.

When my world lacks you, I will cry a bit more, miss a lot more and dream a lot more. I will dream about us – give in to illusions – for a while – but then – dress up, put the usual make-up on, smile in the mirror and go out.

When I decide to quit, I will keep dating. Even though it will be only one-time-no-sex-only-chat dates. But I will keep searching. I will not give up – for the sake of the beauty of love, for my sake. For your sake. Why? You’ll feel my lightness rather than drag the burden of my love. And you’ll be happier, I am sure.

When we feel we must part, I will hide you from my Facebook, I will bite my lips when they long for a kiss, I will tie my fingers – when they strive to type you, I will break my phone – when it lures me to a call. The pillow will suffer from more crying and beating and laptop will be blowing up with sad songs. But I will put my makeup on, dress up, go out, smile and live, walk a bit more, walk kilometers despite the heat and rain to walk away from the pain and memories.  I will hide you until your presence doesn’t touch my heart the way it wants to commit a suicide.

When I feel lonely without you, I will cry on mom’s shoulder like a baby, keep her in the dark, let my loved ones suffer with me, share my pain and tortures. I will keep the secret – but I will give away my pain. It’s unbearable to live with that pain. Although I will keep going to work, smiling to colleagues, smiling to friends, smiling to you – from my Facebook posts. I will keep being desirable to other men – especially in that blue dress – but hating myself for that.

When we drift apart, there will be silence. Emptiness. Obscurity. Uncertainty. Hopelessness. Despair. And all these together multiplied by loneliness. But I will keep dancing. And believing that this all shall pass, too. The lightness will come – despite the tons of tar boiling in my heart. The love will gradually sip through the holes of my heart, the scars will group to form a tatoo and I will be proudly wearing them on my neck.

When we choose to part, I will cry a lot more, I will cry until the pain subdues, I will scream in the open air, I will beat the pillow – I will do all the standard things that therapists suggest. I will try them all and invent my own methods. I will write, write, write until I have no energy to stay awake. I will do everything until I start loving life – without you.

And over time, when the pain subdues  I will come back to life – the life I used to live without you, before you.

And, I will keep going out, smiling to friends, smiling to people and – smiling to myself. Because I don’ t want to suffer anymore. Because there comes a point that suffering no longer exists – as you don’t exist. You don’t feel how the life is passing by. You just notice it going away. You notice people who live, laugh, love and grow – but you’re too consumed by your pain to engage in it. But you still dress up, put your make-up on, dress up a little bit more, go out – push yourself out of your prison of a room – and live. Or, fake living – until you make it.


A no-nonsense tip for success, or the power of asking

Knock and the door will be opened.

Knock and the door will be opened.

Like in the popular cartoons, this morningI felt an invisible lamp being lit over my head;  the so-called “a-ha” moment, and I want to share my insight with you.

As usual, it happened when I was injecting my morning dose of inspiration on BBC.com Capital into my brains. “The Three Secrets of Getting What You Want”- the clickbait headline already foreboded a mix of ultimate reading pleasure and a promise of tangible outcomes (read: subsequent actions).

I’m not going to criticize or summarize the article. Rather, I’ll focus on the  single point that rang a bell to me. Asking as a prerequisite for getting what you  dream about. And this is when I realized the only gross obstacle pulls me back and halts my progress toward the goals: I suck at asking because I’m too proud, sometimes lazy, and other times just foolish, and even when I ask the time spent on the decision-making drains the energy that could have been spent more efficiently on my goals.

“Ask and it shall be given to you”, the famous Bible quote swirled into my mind (which is rare given my not being a keen Christian or an overly religious person) which started conflicting with another thought-provoking quote by my favorite Mikhail Bulgakov: “You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those who are more powerful than yourself.” (NB: Woland’s advice to Margarita).

Sorry, my favorite Bulgakov, author of immortal “Master and Margarita”. With all my love and respect to your masterpiece, these words are not up-to-date anymore. The life realities haves changed. Life speeds have so much accelerated that one can’t have the luxury of sitting back and waiting when those “who are more powerful” to notice your merits (for instance, to give you the deserved raise or recognition at work).

And my recent life experience has come to prove that. Of course, it took me months to take the step of asking to later find out it’s not at all humiliating and tough, especially when you’re sure you deserve what you ask for.  The result? I got what I wanted (even if it was a short-term fix), and I’m not sure if I would if I hadn’t asked.

A conclusion? Besides your personal strategies and tactics (share, please, if you do anything specific and out-of-box to reach your goals), the overused “visualization” and already cliche “positive thinking” strategies, just ask for the particular thing you want to have for your longer-term goals, and 90 times out 100 you will be rewarded. After all, rejection is better than regret.